Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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