I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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