I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
