I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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