Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
