I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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