At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my shit smells like andre
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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