Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I fill condoms, not promises.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
