just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize