I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
