You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
