Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
