Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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