If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
