Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
