i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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