shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Green mimosas i think yes
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
