Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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