I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
