I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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