can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize