i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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