I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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