Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
