i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
