I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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