I CAN MOONWALK!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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