it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
