my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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