the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
