I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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