I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
