I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
