You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
