Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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