Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
