Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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