I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
