I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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