At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
