Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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