he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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