I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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