It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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