I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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