I think my vagina is haunted
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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