I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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