I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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