You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
