so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
