I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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