The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
