oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
