i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
