Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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