I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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