I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
