On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
