the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just gargled with NyQuil
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize