it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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