Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Drunk is not a location!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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