you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
