I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
