Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
