I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
