You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Apparently you make a good broom.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize